Crumpets and Croquet
by ChoppedLeeks
Summary: (by Leeks) In which Mariku and Malik visit the Bakura household for crumpets and a game of croquet. Contains Tendershipping and Bronzeshipping.


**Author's Note:**

Chopped: Holy shit. You actually wrote something!

Leeks: You bet I did! It has copious amounts of Bakura and British-isms!

Chopped: Yup. That definitely sounds like you...

Mariku: ONWARD! I'm eager! Croquet is just so friggin' exciting!

Chopped and Leeks: *eyebrow raise*

Malik: Disclaimer! ChoppedLeeks does not own Yu-Gi-Oh! All characters rightfully belong to Kazuki Takahashi. If they did own Yu-Gi-Oh... Mariku would've had a sexy shower scene! *licks lips*

Mariku: *rape face initiate*

Leeks: HERE! READ! NOW!

* * *

**Bakura= Yami Bakura, Ryou= Ryou Bakura, Mariku= Yami Marik, Malik= Hikari Marik**

* * *

It was early in the morning (8-ish) and Malik walked out to his living room in his lavender nightgown. He stopped when he noticed Mariku (already dressed, for he must protect his image) with his face plastered to the window.

"It's back." Mariku whispered, not removing his face from the window.

"What's back?" Malik asked.

"The box car." Mariku still did not remove his face from the glass.

Malik walked further into the room in order to see what Mariku was looking at out the window. It was the mail truck. "Mariku! I keep telling you, that's the mail truck! It is a form of communication!"

"You'd think a stalker would try to be a little bit more inconspicuous. There can only be so many white, box shaped cars with pictures of a flying letter." Mariku mumbled into the glass, clearly ignoring Malik's explanation.

Malik sighed and brushed his hair back with his fingers. "Just go get the mail."

"Fine," Mariku finally peeled his face from the window, "but I don't care what you say, that guy in the shorts is up to something. I can tell by his mustache." And with that, Mariku exited the house.

After causing the poor mailman to wet his shorts and drive full speed away (neglecting all the other houses on the street), Mariku walked casually back inside with the mail. He spread it all out on the kitchen table. He was sorting it into 4 different stacks: bills, trash, fangirl mail, and fanboy mail, when he came across a particularly effeminate note. It was pale pink with an extremely excessive amount of lace around the edges. At first glance he thought it was just another letter from a fangirl, but when he opened it he realized it was an invitation of some kind. It was written in super fancy cursive writing and it read:

_Dear Malik and Mariku:_

_You have been cordially invited to the Bakura household for tea, crumpets, and competitive outdoor play. Timing is whenever is convenient for you. We will welcome you into our home with open arms._

The letter ended with a "Sincerely, Ryou and" followed by "Bakura" in slightly messier handwriting.

"Malik, we have a letter!"

Malik came out of the kitchen (for he was in the midst of fixing breakfast) wiping his hands on the apron he was now wearing over his gown. "So what do the fangirls want us to do to each other now?" Malik questioned as he took the note from Mariku's hand, but once he saw the handwriting, he face-palmed.

"Oh good Ra, Ryou. Why?" the hikari murmured, his words laced with disappointment.

* * *

Malik and Mariku were driving up the driveway of Bakura and Ryou's mini-mansion. They lived on their own private property with a lake behind it. Just picture it as a stereotypical country club house (just with a lot more land around it). So, for the sake of this fanfic, don't ask questions and just accept that they're rich.

So anyways, Malik and Mariku were driving up the long and over-floral driveway. Before they could even walk up the steps to the door, Ryou came running out giving each a quick greeting hug, all while rambling about how he was so happy they came and all the fun they were going to have. Mariku scrunched up his face at the sight of Ryou's pastel pink sweater vest over a white, short-sleeved collared shirt and his casual tan pants.

Ryou led them into the house and continued to babble on and on. "Where's Bakura?" Mariku interrupted. He was getting stressed with all the clean and fancy stuff surrounding him and wanted Bakura to come and allow him to break something.

"Oh, silly me! Where are my manners?" Ryou put his hands together as though he were praying. "Bakura is out back setting up the sport!"

The British hikari said the word 'sport' as if he had never played one in his life (which could very well be true). "While we wait for him, would either of you like some tea?"

"No thanks." Malik replied politely.

"I hate tea." Mariku blatantly stated. Ryou looked at him flabbergasted, probably questioning the possibility of anyone not liking tea. But before anyone could discuss the matter, Bakura walked in.

Malik gasped and Mariku shrieked when they saw what Bakura was wearing. A painfully white polo shirt with some sort of golf logo on the pocket, a pair of freshly ironed beige pants and a baby blue sweater tied around his neck by the sleeves and hanging down his back. But that wasn't even the worst part. He was also wearing a dark blue visor.

Ryou, not paying any heed to the appalled sounds of his fellow comrades, turned to look at Bakura, smiling as usual. "Oh good, you're back Bakura! Would you like some tea?"

"My good Ryou, do not comber yourself with the toils of tea making. I will be more than glad to prepare my own cup as well as one for you, if it is your desire." Bakura replied while gracefully gesturing to himself.

Malik looked as if he were crying and hyperventilating at the same time. Mariku stomped over to Bakura and, in his rage, slapped Bakura's visor over his face.

"What the hell has gotten into you?" Mariku seethed.

Bakura slowly raised his visor up just enough for Mariku to see him grinning. It was a grin that said "I know I'm irritating you, but it's hilarious so I'm not going to be stopping any time soon." He lifted his half-hat further so he could look Mariku in the eye. "That's a good arm you've got there. Have you ever thought about trying out for boxing?"

Mariku's eye was twitching and he looked as if he were about to explode as he stared back at Bakura's mocking smirk™.

"You bitch." Was all he could get out. If he were an American cartoon, steam would definitely be coming out of his ears.

"Oh my, you'd best watch your mouth before it gets you into some serious trouble, young man." Bakura preached with closed eyes as he waggled his finger at Mariku while using his other hand to fully fix his hat. After giving his two tan friends another cheeky grin, he walked off to the kitchen to get the tea.

"MALIK!" Mariku screamed as soon as Bakura was out of sight. Malik jumped out of his fear-induced trance at the sudden acknowledgement. He scampered over to Mariku's side, knowing just how to calm him down. Mariku did indeed slowly calm down. To the point that his eyes were closed and a lazy grin was spread across his face as Malik slowly stroked the bridge of his nose with his pointer finger while "shushing" softly.

Ryou stood there with a peaceful smile on his face, deciding to just be patient and wait for them to finish... the calming process...? Bakura walked back in with four floral teacups on a pretty little pale yellow tray. He stopped to glance at the couple, giving them an 'I'm judging you' look before simply shaking his head and walking the tray out the back door. Ryou awkwardly shuffled over to Malik and tapped him on the shoulder. Malik stopped petting Mariku and turned toward Ryou, acting like there was nothing remotely uncomfortable about the current situation.

"Um, Bakura has everything set up outside..." Ryou looked down, scratching the back of his head with one hand and gesturing to the door with the other.

"Kewl, come on Mariku, we're going to go outside." Malik took Mariku's hand and led him to the backyard.

"Alright, alright, alriiiii..." Mariku replied in his happily/relaxed, almost drugged-like state.

* * *

They all gathered around the small, regal table outside, each with their own floral teacup. Bakura and Ryou happily sipping, Malik sipping occasionally (he's more of a coffee person), and Mariku simply glaring at his cup. There was a very awkward silence that nobody felt like putting effort into breaking.

"Well!" Ryou finally broke said silence gleefully as he gently placed his cup on the table. "I suppose once we all finish our tea, we should probably have a bite to eat, yes? I was thinking crumpets. How does that sound? Wait, you probably don't know what crumpets are... Well how about I go get them as Bakura explains what they are! Yes, that should work. I'll be back in a moment!" Before anyone could say anything, Ryou had bounded into the house.

The two Egyptians turned their attention toward Bakura. "So what's a crumpet?" Malik asked for them both.

Bakura smirked™ at them and stuck his index finger in the air. "A crumpet, boys, is a thick, flat, savory cake with a soft, porous texture, made from a yeast mixture, cooked on a griddle, and eaten toasted and buttered."

"Sounds like a pain to make." Mariku replied as he switched his full cup of tea for Malik's empty one.

"They are." Bakura said after he downed the rest of his own tea. "That's why Ryou makes them and not me. I tried once, but when it was done it had an uncanny resemblance to the Pharaoh's hair. Needless to say, it was unfit for eating."

Malik and Mariku both laughed lightly at Bakura's inability to cook.

"Wait!" Malik's face showed that he had clearly come to a realization. "You're acting normal again. What was that about earlier?"

Bakura opened his mouth to say something (probably condescending if the look on his face was any indication) but Ryou walked back outside with a basket of small, thick waffle-like things as well as a small plate of home churned butter. Bakura paused to think of a different way to say his statement. "Oh Malik, you're such a hoot!" He chuckled lightly.

"What did he say?" Ryou asked as he placed the basket and plate on the table.

"Our good friend Malik here seems to think that I have been acting rather peculiar as of late!" Bakura made a small gesture toward Malik. "Isn't that just a bucket of laughs!"

"Very much so!" Ryou agreed.

"That's not even a thing." Mariku mumbled crossly to himself.

The two Brits continued to chuckle to themselves while the other two at the table just stared in disgust. "Oh my!" Ryou stopped their chuckling short as his facial features morphed into an expression of one who had just witnessed a small boy kill his own father with a gold dagger. "I was so caught up in the humor of dear Malik's statement, I forgot to hand out the food!" Ryou quickly replaced his horrified look into his usual sweet smile and began passing out the crumpets.

Once he finished, he turned to Bakura. "Bakura dear, could you please say grace for everyone?"

Bakura visually stiffened. He knew that when Ryou says "Could you please do blah blah blah?" it was his special way of saying "You will do blah blah blah, and if you don't, there will be no snuggles for you!" So Bakura took a deep breath and bowed his head in reverence.

"Um, hey God... I'm going to pray to you now... Well, as you probably know, being God and stuff, we got some food here... and I am praying to you about it. Because... uuuh... you know... everyone likes food. Unless you're bulimic like Malik here."

"Hey! I am not bu-"

"Anyways, just keep doing you. Um, bye- er, the end- no, Amen!" Bakura let out a heavy breath of relief that it was over.

"Ha! You suck at praying Bakura!" Mariku mocked.

"Like you could do any better!" Bakura spat before regaining his pretend composer.

Mariku stopped and was seemingly thinking about Bakura's statement. "Hm. You're probably right."

Everyone stopped talking so that they could stuff their faces with as much of Ryou's delicious cooking as was physically possible. Unfortunately, since they were all vacuuming it all in, the savory substance known as crumpets soon ran out. Everyone sat there for a moment enjoying the afterglow of the meal.

"Hey! Why don't we all work off those recently accumulated calories with a game of croquet?" Ryou suggested. He turned to face Bakura. "So where did you set it up?"

Bakura smirked™ to himself. "Over there, by the lake." he said as he pointed toward said lake.

"Oh! Lovely!" Ryou clapped his hands, jumped out of his chair and began skipping down to the lake. "Come now friends! Let us play a sport together!"

"Are you going to go frolic down there too now?" Mariku asked mockingly as he and everyone else got up from their seats.

"No!" Bakura spat. "I mean... Nay... um... *sigh* You know what? Sod this! I'm done being proper, you're not even getting mad anymore. Plus, it's making me nauseous."

"Yay! Bakura is back to normal!" Malik cheered. "That means you can take off that pathetic excuse for a hat! I mean really, who wears visors?"

"People who want to get a sunburn on the top of their head. And only there." Mariku pointed out.

* * *

It was several turns into the game and Bakura was in the lead. Followed by Mariku, then Ryou, and lastly, Malik.

"This is too hard!" Malik whined and threw his mallet on the ground.

"OH! OH! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Mariku shouted at the top of his lungs as he flailed his arms and jumped up and down like a giant infant.

Nobody paid much heed to Mariku's outburst, due to the fact that it is not an uncommon occurrence. Bakura simply sighed and turned to face Malik.

"We're playing the elementary version of golf. It isn't difficult!" he explained as he picked up the thrown down mallet and shoved it back at Malik.

"I thought putt-putt was the elementary version of golf... but either way, it's difficult for me! I have, like, no athletic abilities!" Malik continued to whine.

Bakura face palmed at Malik. "Ra, Malik, it's croquet! No athletic skills are required to play! It's supposed to be a simple, fun, uncompetitive-"

"OOOOOOOOOHHHH!" They all turned to see Mariku with his arms raised high over his head. He had just gotten in the lead and was obviously really pumped about it. He lowered his arms down into the 'come at me bro' stance. "Looks like there's a new King of Games, bitches!"

Ryou turned to Bakura, worried. He knew how much Bakura hated to lose. Even when it was a one-player game of solitaire, if he lost he would pitch an adult sized fit!

Just as Ryou suspected, Bakura's eye began to twitch out of irritation. He stomped around the homemade playing field and gathered the croquet balls in his arms. Once he had all four, he, all too calmly, walked over to the edge of the lake. He turned his head around in order to smile innocently (his Ryou impression) at Mariku before chucking all the balls into the lake.

"NOOOOOOO! THE BAAAALLLLSSSS!" Mariku cried with a single outstretched arm toward the part of the lake that said balls had just splashed in.

"I guess that means the game is over." Ryou sighed. It was mainly to himself, due to the fact that nothing could be heard over Bakura's laughing and Mariku's crying.

* * *

With nothing to do, all four boys were left to lie in the grass and watch the clouds. It was a beautiful day and there were many shapely clouds in the sky. It was the kind of weather that seemed to take all of one's troubles away just by simply watching it.

"This is boring!" Mariku groaned as he flopped an arm over his eyes. "Somebody say something!"

"Say, did I ever tell you two about Ryou and my visit to England last weekend?" Bakura questioned, tilting his head toward the two Egyptians.

"No." Malik said with a small amount of interest in his tone.

Malik and Mariku both turned over on their bellies and rested their heads on their fists. They looked towards Bakura, signaling for him to begin his story.

"Well nothing much happened until the second day around brunch time." Bakura began. "So, while I was waiting for my fit bird to get off the loo, I decided to eat a bag of crisps so I wouldn't have to spend all our pounds on the bomb rubbish grub that the trolley diddles dims into buying. Seriously, that stuff is total pants! Any road, we were on our way to our scheduled visit with the prime minister and, God Save the Queen, but great Scott did she have a big arse! So, after waiting a bloody long time, some cheeky wanker told us we'd have to reschedule. We ended up heading down to the cinema to watch a film, snog, and all that plaza. It was ace!"

Malik and Mariku stared at Bakura for a moment before Mariku stood up and started walking away.

"Come on Malik, we're leaving. Now!" Mariku called back, not slowing his pace. Malik gave Bakura one last horrified glance before hurriedly standing and running after his yami.

Once they were gone, Ryou sat up and gave Bakura an accusatory glance. "Bakura! You scared them away with your exceeding British-isms!"

Bakura smirked™ as he put his arms behind his head and closed his eyes: the embodiment of relaxation.

"Oh, bollocks."

* * *

**End Note****:**

Chopped: Oh Ra, that was offensive. If you are British, we mean no harm... truly!

Leeks: *smirks*

Chopped: Let's just go before we get in trouble... read and review...

Bakura: *guffawing*


End file.
